"shadow work"

written on august 24th, 2021

for years i ran from shame

i saw her lurking around the corner

and i'd do anything to stop her from touching me

somersaults, backflips

twisting and contorting into other people's expectations

just so she couldn't catch me

i would not feel her

i couldn't bear to feel her

every time i saw the dark specter looming i would run

the thought of shame

i couldn't bear it

i worried it would consume me whole

but then, i couldn't run anymore

she was too big, too encompassing

all i could do was look her in the face

let her in

i realized she wasn't what i thought she was at all

this shadow of "shame" was merely the things that i had pushed away from myself

too loud, too talkative, too argumentative, too sensitive, too inquisitive, too clumsy

all the things i'd been told made me unworthy

i tried to get them out, tried to push them away

the shadow got bigger and bigger

seeming closer each day, as it followed me wherever i went

but all this time, she wasn't chasing me to hurt me

she was me

parts of me trying to be reunited after i'd casted them away

now, i let it all in

shame can't be here anymore

cause i befriended the shadow

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transparency note: this is the first time i've shared any poetry since i was seventeen years old? i feel lots of anxiety! so be kind, thanks.