i wrote this and never shared it back in May. it was a good reminder to read it this morning.
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Tomorrow I’m going on a trip with 5 of my closest friends, and it will be our first time all together since graduation three years ago. I have loving, intentional friendships with many people who I can look to for support. I meditate daily and do yoga regularly. I journal. I have been in therapy for seven months, and am working on many things, including setting boundaries with family and learning to be vulnerable.
There was a time when I dreamed of all this. There were nights in which I cried myself to sleep and I imagined a future where everything would just be easier. Where I wasn’t so miserable. Wasn’t so lonely. Didn’t feel so unseen and unheard. Where I had some control over my life. I sat in my bed and tried to go to sleep, imagining what it would be like. What it would feel like. And here I am, living it. And it didn’t just happen. I built this. I created the life I dreamed about with my choices. I did this for myself.
I’m literally the woman of my dreams.
We live in a society that socializes to prioritize the future or agonize over the past. That tells us to be anywhere but here, because if we are here, if we are present, we might actually realize all the bullshit going on. And if we’re present, we might try to do something about it.
I so constantly have looked toward the future. Dreaming of a time in when I am more healed, in which I live in a nicer place, in which I’ve already set certain boundaries, in which I’ve already overcome some things, in which in which in which. Every new thing I learn in my life becomes a new standard I try and live up to. I learn about communicating restoratively, and two days later I’m berating myself for not doing it all the time. I am constantly trying to live up to some better version of me that exists somewhere in the future, and as soon as it seems like I achieve that goal, I start looking to the next frontier.
I’m never gonna catch up with her. She’ll always be a step ahead.
But the woman I am now???? There was a time where I dreamt about being exactly this! Where if you described every facet of my life, I’d say “Wow. I did that? I'm doing that? I'm That Bitch.” And I am! And I did! It’s time to recognize that.
A lot of things that get dismissed as cliches are really powerful. Because sometimes it is that simple. There were times where you dreamed about being exactly where you are now.
I’m going to start embracing that. I’m going to lean into the fact that I am constantly growing and changing, and be grateful for every minute of the process. I don’t constantly need to get “better”. I am enough. Just as I am.
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Love this 💕