Recently, one of my closest friends gave birth to her second child. I spent two weeks in Virginia Beach so I could provide assistance as she navigated the start of the postpartum period. This is something I had been training for– I started a full spectrum doula training program with Birthing Advocacy Doula Training in September of 2022. However, almost nothing I actually did for my friend required any training. It’s something anyone could do. It’s something you can do when your friend has a baby! And I think it’s something you should do if your friend has a baby. Postpartum support is so important. And it’s not hard for you to step up and help out!
Table of Contents:
The Call
To my loved ones, it may seem like my interest in birthwork and becoming a doula sprang up overnight. It’s not easy to pinpoint exactly when an interest in something began, but I remember some key moments. In 2020, I was listening to a podcast with adrienne maree brown when she spoke on serving as a postpartum doula for loved ones. She shared how it wasn’t something she trained for, but something she learned from apprenticing with other doulas. I think I vaguely knew what a doula was before this, but it was only in the realm of birth. I had never thought about what someone would need after having a baby. And a lot of what she talked about sounded like things I could just do without any training at all! I was intrigued.
I started learning more about childbirth and birthwork after that. I sought out a variety of sources, but a large one was Efe Osaren’s Doula Chronicles. I was shocked by the things I learned. So many things were counter to what I had always heard or assumed about birth. I realized how little I knew about it, how little many of my peers knew about it… which is very weird considering half of our population has the capacity to birth a child, and all of us came onto the planet that way. There was a major gap that needed to be filled, and I began to develop an interest in helping fill it.
I didn’t want to be a doula as a profession, but I wanted to be able to support my friends as they navigate pregnancy, birth, loss, abortion, and postpartum. It seemed like such a beautiful way to care for my friends as they enter a new phase of life. So, I started the training program! And then, I found out I’d have a chance to really put some of my skills to use when my friend told us she was pregnant again at the end of last year.
Why Postpartum?
You likely already know the abysmal perinatal mortality rates in the U.S., especially for Black birthing people, so I won’t belabor the point because I don’t think the repetition of these statistics without solutions benefits us. But what you might not know is that 52% of these deaths occur postpartum. So, it’s not as simple as having a “successful” childbirth. The risk doesn't end there.
And it’s not just about the extreme of potential death either. In general, postpartum is a very neglected phase when it comes to someone bearing a child. People are showered with attention and gifts for the baby while they are pregnant. They have regular check ups, are told to avoid certain activities, are given guidance on what to eat, and there is a party to literally shower the parents-to-be with all the things needed for the newborn baby. But once the child is born? Very little attention is paid to the person who birthed them. Not only are they now navigating raising a brand new human, but they are also healing from pregnancy and childbirth. And all they get is one check up, six weeks later! Even without knowing much about pregnancy, childbirth, or postpartum, doesn’t that sound nonsensical?
All this knowledge made me drawn to the idea of offering postpartum support. Especially as I continued to learn that much of what I could do to provide this required no training at all.
My doula training is full spectrum, meaning I also have received training on providing support for childbirth, miscarriage and abortion, surrogacy, specifically working with queer and trans families, and more. And I may use all of these skills one day! But since my friend lives in my hometown of Virginia Beach, and I no longer do, I realized that being able to come down for two weeks immediately after she gave birth was the most accessible way to care for her and her family. So that’s what I did!
What I Actually Did
Now, my friend and her husband did not set out to hire a postpartum doula. But I always intended to use this skill set for my friends specifically, so I offered to come down and be of assistance. If I was performing this role for a family who specifically hired postpartum help, then I may have been doing more and different tasks. But, for the two weeks I was there, I washed dishes. I cooked some meals. And I picked up things from the store.
You’re likely thinking “you don’t need to be a doula to do that. I can do that!” And yes, friend, that is my whole point. In postpartum doula training, I did learn specific things such as the timeline of postpartum bleeding, signs of postpartum depression, tips for breastfeeding, or what happens to a newly postpartum person’s hormones. And those are things I could have provided assistance on or answered questions about if I had been asked. But the most important thing I learned was the need for others to take on some labor so that the new parents don’t have to. And any of us can do this.
A parent has so much going on with a new baby, especially a birthing parent who is healing from the birth. Maybe you’re thinking “is washing the dishes really going to make that much of a difference?” And the answer is yes! Think about life as your own self– when you have a lot going on, or are extra tired– how does a sink full of dishes make you feel? Now imagine you’re a parent of a new baby, suddenly dealing with things you’ve not dealt with before, sleep deprived, healing, and overcome with dirty dishes you weren’t even using two weeks ago. How would a sink full of dishes make you feel then? Truthfully, I was overjoyed when I went over there and it took me an hour to do the dishes because I knew that was one hour my friend didn’t have to be on her feet and could focus on being with her children or resting her body.
Cooking is already a love language for me and I love to do it for my friends whether or not they recently went through a life changing event. But cooking for someone who I know has a lot on their plate, not a lot of time on their hands, and needs nutrients to help them heal feels even more meaningful. I was excited to be able to do that for my friend.
And store runs are something you can do without even adjusting your own schedule! You can just add whatever they need onto your own list. Which brings us to…
Tips for Supporting Your Friend
Okay so, now you know how easy it is for you to offer support to your newly postpartum friend. Here are some tips:
1. Don’t Wait for Them to Ask
We live in a culture that does not incentivize asking others for help. That is more true if you’re a woman, and even more true if you’re a Black woman. So, unless you have already interrogated this in your friendship, or your friend has already been to therapy and worked on this issue… there’s a good chance they might never ask for help. But that doesn’t mean they don’t need it, and that doesn’t mean you can’t be helpful! You know that someone who just had a baby has a lot to deal with, so just go ahead and make life easier for them. It’s possible they might even be resistant to help at first. And of course, respect boundaries! But also remember someone saying “you don’t have to do that” is not a boundary. You can simply say “I know I don’t have to. I want to!” and go ahead and wash those dishes.
2. Bring Food They Will Actually Eat
Now the goal is to make things easier for them. So you don’t want to weigh them down with some food they have no interest in, and have to find a way to dispose of. You’ve heard the jokes about a Great Aunt who drops off a casserole that ends up straight in the trash. Well, it’s not just about casserole! If you read things about postpartum care, you’ll likely come across a lot of tips around caring for someone in a “traditional” way– this could mean no cold foods, lots of bone broth, lots of soup, etc. If your friend likes it, I love it! But if your friend isn’t excited about that, then don’t follow that protocol. It’s more important that you bring them food they will want to eat rather than what will make you feel good to make.
3. Don’t Overstay Your Welcome
One reason new parents may be resistant to asking for help is they don’t want a lot of people in their space, or trying to meet the baby. Luckily, you can still help them without doing so! You can ask them what they might need from the store, and drop it off for them on their porch. Or if you do need to come in, it doesn’t need to be an all day affair. Go in and hold the baby for 30 minutes while they shower (if they’re okay with that ofc). Or go in and wash the dishes, grab the trash on your way out, and then leave. Don’t put them in a position to have to host you, or have to tell you when to leave. Make it as easy as possible on them. And make sure you wash your hands as soon as you enter the house!
4. Invite Others to Support As Well
I have a flexible, values-aligned job that enabled me to take some time off to go to Virginia Beach for two weeks. One of my best friends let me borrow her car so that I would actually be able to get to my friend’s house each day. My mom let me add the groceries I needed to cook meals for my friend to the groceries I was already picking up for our family. Obviously, all of this doesn’t apply to everyone. You might not be able to rearrange your work schedule, you might not be traveling long distance. But you can still involve your other loved ones in this community care opportunity. Is this new baby your nibling? Send the gift registry to your other loved ones! Even if the baby is not their relative, they may want to buy a gift due to their care for you. Or, gather your other friends and make a basket of offerings to support the postpartum parents. Or even organize a meal train! Obviously, you don’t want to do anything that your new parent friend wouldn’t be comfortable with. But don’t forget about tip #1.
5. Don't Forget About the Other Parent(s)
The birthing parent obviously needs a special amount of care, as their body is literally healing. But, the parent who didn't give birth just went through a major shift too! They are also in a totally new position. It is better for all the parents, as well as their child, if both parents are receiving care and consideration. And if you're specifically supporting a hetero couple, I'd say that if you start out behaving like the man is not connected to the new parenting in this phase, and therefore doesn't need care, you are reinforcing a standard we don't want to reinforce, that ends up with women doing the majority of the work. Make sure you're thinking about all the parents, so that they and their child are entering parenting on the strongest foot possible.
And there you have it! That’s my experience as a postpartum doula, and some tips that you can go forward with to be a better help to the loved ones in your life who just had a baby.
I want to note that nothing I said in here is a new or original idea. I will link below the resources that I have learned from. If you look up info on postpartum support, you will find many of these same tips repeated over and over again. And even still, it’s so far from the norm. In America, there is a huge neglect of newly postpartum parents. It’s not common for us to provide them with love and care and space to heal. So, although it’s already been said, I needed to say it too because we need as many people as possible doing it. So go out and love on your newly postpartum friends, and then maybe write a blog post about it too!
Resources That Taught Me:
note: These are places I learned from, which is not the same as endorsing everything they say.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Subscribe to my blog so you never miss a post by scrolling to the bottom of this page and signing up for the mailing list.
Thank you for sharing your experience and the resources at the bottom 🫶