meditations on meditation

Over the last year, I’ve been on a pretty significant healing journey. I’ve changed many of my behaviors-- eliminating certain habits while adding new practices. I’ve started therapy. And I’ve had substantial shifts in my mindset. When I look at the way I’ve changed over the last year, it’s not a clear, linear process. Change begets change, and the many ways my life has changed are thanks to a plethora of new tactics. It’s not just therapy, not just journaling, not just more intentional communication, not just what i’m learning in the books i’m reading, etc. It’s everything. It’s all of it.

But if I had to pick a thing… If I were to pick one habit that made the other habits possible, the one thing that was most consistent over the last year, the one that I would recommend others to start with the most, it would be meditation. Easily. Without a doubt.

If we’ve had any substantial conversation over the last year, it’s likely that I mentioned my meditation practice. I couldn’t stop. I’ve been singing its praises to anyone who will listen because I’m in awe of how much I’ve reaped its benefits.

I first meditated in 2016, when me and my best friend went on a meditation retreat for spring break. We mainly went because it was free, not even knowing it was a silent retreat. It was a very interesting experience that I would appreciate more now than I did at nineteen. But the impact was transformative, and for four years I had “meditate daily” as one of my New Year resolutions. Unfortunately, I never managed. Until the pandemic came around.

At the pandemic’s start, as my office closed and I prepared to spend almost all of my time inside, I dreaded the thought of having to be alone frequently. I hated spending time alone, which is something I noticed several years ago. An extreme extrovert, I would spend six hours alone and feel like it was more than enough time. What I didn’t know then was that I was running from being still, running from what I might feel if I wasn’t constantly distracting myself every second. And for the first few months of staying at home, I was struggling. I would carefully maneuver so that the time that I spent at my own home and not my boyfriend’s was rarely a weekend, so I could at least be distracted with work. If it was a weekend, I was terrified of how I’d fare completely alone.

Luckily, I was reading to fill the time, and two books I read back to back were incredibly impactful: All About Love by bell hooks and Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown. They were important to me for many reasons, but both of them had pieces dedicated to meditation, and how important it was in one’s own journey. All About Love in particular spoke to the fact that so many people are uncomfortable with stillness, with being alone, and meditation is one of the things that helps them do that. Reading what they had to say about meditation was a sign to me. So, I downloaded Headspace, dubbed the month “Move With Intention May,” and I meditated every day.

I started with just five minutes a day. I do 20 minutes every morning, now. May 1st, 2021 was my anniversary of a daily meditation practice. And a year in, I can say with certainty that I intend to keep a meditation practice for the rest of my life.

Here is what I think meditation made possible:

• I adore alone time, now. I finally understand how people can crave it rather than run from it. A year ago, I thought I was just going to hate alone time for the rest of my life.

• I’m in therapy! I had procrastinated on starting therapy for a long time. But meditation opened the door for me to observe my mind and realize how much I could benefit from speaking to someone.

• I’m a better partner and friend. It’s a work in progress, because what isn’t? But I’m far less likely to react and project now. I have the patience and clarity to ask myself “is that what they said? Or is that what you think they mean?” and that alone has changed so much for me.

• I journal regularly. I started a journal in August and finished it in April. The journal I had before that? Took me four years to finish! And change begets change. Meditation gave me the tool of observing my mind, realizing that I would benefit from working through my thoughts on the page. And releasing thoughts on the page gives me more space to find stillness, with less thoughts to note and brush away during my morning meditation practice.

• I’ve been doing yoga on and off since I was a teen, and I was finally able to commit over the last year. Of course, that is in large part to Yoga With Adriene, but I know it’s also because yoga is a mindfulness practice, and I now have the ability to be present in a way that I wasn’t before.

• I'm writing more now. Part of that is because I am releasing self doubt, which has often held me back from writing (again, its a WIP). Meditation is what opened the door for me to identify that issue.

• I now have a practice that grounds me. Back in September, my family was in crisis, and it was meditation that gave me strength. I was able to breathe through emotional distress, calm my nervous system, and make practical decisions. That’s not something I had access to before. And it has opened the door for me to identify other practices that I can rely on to help me navigate the constant change that is life.

Those are just the major highlights. But truly, meditation has transformed my life in wonderful ways. And I’m writing about it because I think you should start doing it too! It’s not that I think everyone meditating will liberate the world. But, I do think that the more of us that meditate, the greater chance of us building a liberated world. Meditation makes more things possible.

If you were looking for your sign to meditate, this is it! Download Headspace, or Insight, or pull up free meditations on YouTube and get started. 5 minutes a day is all you need.

Meditate for 5 minutes a day for one week. Then for a month. Then for six. Increase your time if that feels right. I’m quite sure you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about in this blog post, once you do. And you’ll have your own list of all the ways meditation transformed your life.

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